thoughts

regardless, i love the brontë sisters

i think i really do resonate with heathcliff. such an interesting and tragic character. epitome of "hurt people hurt people"

i think i was 5 or 6, don't really remember, but anyways. i think i've always had weird interests for my age anyways

he carried me on his back, so i was able to see the whole thing! :D

just remembered the time when my dad and i went to watch an f1 race here in istanbul, but we weren't really able to go in, but still he knew i was so curious about the races, so he somehow managed to show the race to me. such tender, gentle, and beautiful memories. i have never been really interested in it since then though, but it is honestly one of my favorite memories with him... just told him, and he smiled :) man, i love my parents so much. such a nice morning

living with chronic insomnia can be such a pain in the ass sometimes but at least nothing feels real which helps me go through stressful situations a lot easier

one more thing before i go and take a shower: i truly love the sunlight touching my face gently, especially in the afternoons. i love having that kind of whimsy in my life.

isn't it so very fascinating that every part of the world has a story to tell? i mean, just the other day when i was gazing at some buildings, i thought about the fact that there are so many different stories and characters in each one of them. every step you take, everything you accomplish, and everything you do becomes a part of that story and somehow you end up being a part of history. every single part of the world witnessed several incidents; there has been people who have had the same burdens as us, taking those very same steps through those very same roads. i certainly do love thinking about things like this as it really helps you appreciate the world even better.

once you hit the age of 20, your brain chemistry will completely change. early 20s are so hard to handle, i feel like i'm going insane day by day

honestly though, i need to be the writer, not the muse. that's just not my thing. two writers are just never good together

#thinking about that time when someone wrote a song for me only to give it to someone else later on because i wasn't in their life anymore. i feel humiliated every time i remember this. HILARIOUS

she would hate to be called by her full name, though, but oh well

i feel like little nazar would be very proud of the way she turned to be in her 20s, so, that is really all that matters.

now that i think about it, i was always a bit weird, in a rather good way, i think. sitting on the toilet for hours, even though my mom was getting angry, thinking about much bigger problems that had nothing to do with me at the ripe age of 7. thinking of life, death, love, and all the things adults were so very worried about... i was always too invested in "strange" animals, and plants too. me personally, i blame it on jules verne, j.d. salinger, and jonathan swift. reading about their characters at a very young age changed my brain chemistry and turned me into this weird being! joking, i owe it to them for turning me into a very curious person. so VERY glad i still am interested about the very same stuff that 7 year old nazar was interested in as well.

love my mother, though. how could she know that her daughter would be a little weird, right?

i was thinking about how i have hated my name all my life. the symbolism, the meaning was too heavy for me to handle. it is a very strange thought, i am aware, but i just couldn't help but feel like the name that my mother gave to me was not really meant for me. i was always someone who cared too much about meanings and symbolisms, so, naturally, it was always too heavy for me to carry. i felt alienated from my own name, the very thing that belonged to me, felt very strange to me. i keep thinking about this for some strange reason. i have always used an abbreviation instead of my actual name, which is very bizarre; but somehow it feels usual for me. though, i seem to finally connect with it.

the enemy within her

her existence is poetry by itself

and you will find love inside of it

rip my ribcage open

whether you exist or not, time will fly. and it is truly devastating, yet very comforting. i often find myself thinking about this contrast. on one hand, i am devastated about the inevitable end that will come one day & take every beautiful thing from me. (it just goes to show you that nothing in this world really belongs to you.) on the other hand; i am very comforted by the fact that all this suffering will end one day, and it all will be completely meaningless. i truly adore the absurdity of life.

i love buying used stuff. i love finding pieces of the previous owners in them. like, when i gaze at the pages of an old, used book, and i see their names, the sentences they have highlighted, or their annotations, i can't help but feel like i am connected to that person in a way now. it's a bittersweet feeling that i can't get enough of.